


Good Samaritan Sheev Palpatine

by Jaded_Bean



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, But the jedi keep messing with your groove, F/M, My fingers type and my brain asks why, Swearing, Unreliable Narrator, When you just want to commit genocide and rule the galaxy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28854645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaded_Bean/pseuds/Jaded_Bean
Summary: Instead of going to Palpatine for help, Anakin outs his relationship with Padme to the council, hoping they’d assist him. To his surprise, they’re sympathetic, leading Anakin to question his friendship with Palpatine and accept the council’s request to spy on the chancellor.Unfortunately for Sidious this puts his plans for galaxy-wide domination on hold and forces him to keep up the “Nice old man” façade… Indefinitely *Shiver*. He isn’t sure how long he’ll be able to last before throwing himself out the senate window just to free himself from the ever-so-irritating Jedi Order.Or: Palpatine has a nervous breakdown every five minutes because jedi exist and he can’t do anything about it.
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Sheev Palpatine & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 28
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Well, this was a karking shame. All Palpatine could do was stare into the distance, his hopes and dreams broken in front of him like shattered glass. His very existence felt like a lie, and every so often he had to check his own pulse just to make sure he was still alive. Nothing could have prepared him for this terrible shift of events. A wrench had been thrown into the cogs and blown the whole damn machine to pieces. But how could Palpatine predict that Anakin would, of all things, go to the council for help. Palpatine had been subtly teaching him about the jedi’s folly, feeding him the _truth_ about their hypocrisy.

Sheev knew it wouldn’t have been easy, but he never expected this.

And as he sat in his chair, moulding into the fabric, begging for the sweet release of death, Anakin _kept talking._

“-I wasn’t expecting them to be so accommodating,” Anakin carried on, a wide, irritating smile on his face, “The healers are monitoring Padme’s pregnancy. They’ve told me they’ve found nothing wrong, but they’ll keep-”

_By the force, was this what dying felt like? Because it was borrrrrrrrrringggggg,_

Palpatine only wished the jedi would hurry up and storm his office to get it over with. What torture was this? Were they rubbing it in? Did they take pleasure from his suffering? The chancellor was acutely aware of the council asking Anakin to spy on him, and the knight’s acceptance of the mission.

“-Admittingly, they were upset that I’d broken the code,” Anakin jabbered on, his joyful expression taunting Palpatine, “But they’re pleased that I was honest and will review my knighthood after the war ends… You know, for the first time in a long time, I feel pretty good-”

 _I wonder what he’d do if I jumped out the window?_ Palpatine asked himself, his dead, weary eyes staring into the corner of the room.

“-I think they already knew… Hmmm…” Anakin was finally silent, his limited brain cells trying to decipher the simplest, most obvious of all questions: _Yes, of course they knew, who karking didn’t?_

As the quiet drifted on, Palpatine wondered whether Anakin had blown a fuse doing all that thinking. Apparently, this is exactly what happened, because Anakin had without reason or warning, picked a pen up from the desk by the will of the mystical force, and dropped it onto the carpet.

All the sith lord could do was sit there in shock. Was this really the boy he’d been intent on hiring as his apprentice? This was who he wanted as his eventual successor? His second in command to his glorious Empire? Anakin Skywalker?

The young man's stare was so intense Palpatine briefly wondered if he was being flirted with, but a second pen dropping to the immaculate floor pulled him from that weird and disturbing thought.

“What are you doing?” Palpatine barked, unable to retain his composure, “Have you completely lost it?”

Still, the man said nothing. After all that yapping, he’d taken a vow of silence, content to just sit still and slowly push Palpatine’s possessions off the desk.

“Say something!” The sith begged, unable to take this ridiculous game any longer, “Did the council tell you to do this or is this a personal choice?”

*Thump* There goes Palpatine’s data-pad. Now it’s on the floor. Where it belongs according to the galaxy’s most beloved jedi knight: Anakin Skywalker.

Sighing, attempting to calm himself, determined to recover his shattered plans, the sith tried to reason with the knight, “Anakin-”

*Thump*

_Peace was never an option._

“Stop it!” Palpatine yelled, standing tall to loom over Anakin.

However, despite the silent threat, Anakin’s expression remained blank. Completely void of emotion as his eyes darted between the sith and the final object on the desk.

A mug of coffee.

_He wouldn’t._

“Anakin, don’t. Please,” Palpatine pleaded, “If you have something to say, speak like an adult.”

But Anakin’s crazed, wide eyes had fixated themselves on the mug, the untouched coffee now making a snail-like beeline for the floor.

Palpatine leaned forward over the desk so he could glare more forcefully at the irritating boy, fully intent on intimidating him into submission. But Anakin didn’t seem to take any notice, hellbent on finishing the mug’s slow journey to the edge of the desk.

“Anakin,” The chancellor hissed, eyes aflame with murder, “Do. Not.”

_He wasn’t listening! Why wasn’t he listening?_

“I don’t know what you-”

A depressingly hollow crash interrupted Palpatine’s sentence. The sith’s last breath of sanity and reason was cruelly yanked away from him, unearthing pure, unadulterated rage. Years of enduring these irritating, high-and-mighty, goodie-two-shoes jedi, hiding his true nature, suffering the overly dramatic antics of the council members – it all came rushing out like a tsunami. The monster clawed at his veins, roaring, crying out to be released. He was going to kill them all. He was going to storm the temple himself **over a karking teacup-**

“Chancellor…”

Palpatine glared over at Anakin, who was watching the end of the table. Glancing in the same direction, the elder man realised what he had done. He’d saved the mug. There was no crash. It was fine.

_Oh no._

“You- Your… Oh force.” Anakin jumped out of his seat, igniting his lightsaber, “The council- This is- I didn’t think- But you...” His expression steeled, grip tightening on the blade’s hilt, “You are Darth Sidious.”

The knight took a defensive stance, and although Palatine had no doubt, he could slice the boy in two easily, he knew it would tear apart _everything_ he’d worked so hard for. Decades of planning, working himself to the top of politics, training himself into an unstoppable force, studying the ins and outs of the jedi order, working up both sides of the conflict to serve his own needs… It would be for nothing if he killed Anakin Skywalker. There would be no hiding his identity then. It would be over. And the jedi would have won.

There was only one thing for it.

_Negotiation._

“Anakin… Don’t be ridiculous.” Palpatine started, dropping the mug, flinching when it crashed into the carpet, but recovering quickly to put on his innocent-of-all-crimes face. “That was… nothing.”

The knight only tightened his stance, narrowing his eyes, silently beckoning the sith to continue his hopeless attempt to convince Anakin that the truth wasn’t the truth.

“… I’m no sith lord. That was simply a reflex because you see…” _No going back now,_ “A long time ago, I was a student at the Jedi Temple.”

Anakin faltered at that, a flicker of hope in his eyes, though he kept his blade aimed at the chancellor, “Really?”

“Yes… But I assure you that’s about all I can do. I’d left a long, long time ago to pursue a political career.”

The knight’s hope died at those words, “You left the jedi order to… Pursue politics?”

 _Okay, perhaps that sounded a little far-fetched,_ “… Yes.”

“I’m not sure I can believe that.” The boy admitted, clearly fighting with his own thoughts, “But… It’s important to be sure.”

“Exactly.” A pregnant pause passed, with Palpatine slowly realising the gravity of his words, “Wait-”

“Who was your master?” Anakin cut in, adjusting his grip on the hilt.

Sheev sighed, grasping for any semblance of an actor within himself to pull off the rest of this conversation, “He’s probably dead.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“I… Can’t really remember.”

“Then I’ll ask Yoda if-”

“-Hang on I think it’s coming back to me,” Palpatine pressed his fingers to his temple, pacing across the room, pretending to remember a jedi master he never had, “Hmm. Let me think for second.”

“…”

“Master- Um… Master,” _Force he was screwed,_ “Uberturbolious.”

“What?”

“Uberturbo…” _Fuck. What was it?_ “…Dicious.”

“Dicious?” Anakin repeated, eyebrow raised.

“Yes.” Palpatine wondered if the council were hiding behind the door, giggling at his attempts to maintain control in this hopeless situation. “Uber-Turbo-Lious.”

“Sorry? Lious? You said Dicious?”

 _Kark!_ “The D makes an… L sound… Sometimes...”

Anakin eyed him, hesitantly disengaging his weapon, “Sometimes?”

Palpatine nodded, a strained smile plastered onto his face as his life flashed before his eyes.

“I’ll need to fact check that.” Anakin stated, clipping the weapon to his belt, “I’ll com you.”

_Or kill me._

“Anakin is that really necessary?”

The knight’s sour expression said all Palpatine didn’t want to hear. _Yes. Yes, it was necessary._

Anakin was going to travel back to the jedi temple, to genuinely search out a jedi master called Uberturbolious, with a “D” where the “L” should be.

_Well… It was a nice run while it lasted._

When Anakin left, Palpatine found himself pacing his office in a panic. What should he do? Should he just skip ahead and execute Order 66 now? Get it over with? Hope for the best? This whole embarrassing ordeal would end in one quick genocide. Sure, he’ll be missing a star pupil but at least he had Dooku…

No, wait… He didn’t have Dooku. Anakin killed him. Under Palpatine’s orders.

_Well shit._

Sighing, Palpatine walked back to his desk and sat down, defeated. He had no choice but to order the genocide now, because if he didn’t, a platoon of jedi would squeeze themselves into his office and bash him to death with their sticks.

Palpatine linked up the commlinks to several clone commanders, preparing for a very large group message, but a beeping on his coms stopped him. He shouldn’t pick it up, he knows who it is, but by the time he’d told himself he shouldn’t do it he’d already instinctively pressed the receive button _oh shit-_

“Chancellor,” Anakin began, his form materialising into view, looking rather chipper, “We found your master!”

The sith had to blink a few times in an attempt to process the information, “I’m sorry?”

“Master Uberturbolious. We found him.” Anakin repeated, clapping his hands like a child.

“What.”

“Come over. It’ll be a nice reunion. He’s looking forward to seeing you again.”

_What. The. Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite planning out the entire plot, I still have no idea where this is going or what I'm doing.


	2. Chapter 2

Stepping from the speeder, his two red guards keeping close behind him, Palpatine prepared for a battle. For all he knew this was a trap and the jedi were just getting a chuckle out of stringing the sith lord along. Darth Sidious made sure to bring his lightsabers, but he had half a mind just to step into the council chambers and electrocute its members on the spot.

Kark, what was he doing? Why was he playing along with what was so obviously a trap? The jedi couldn’t be _that_ stupid. There had to be at least one working brain between all 10,000 of them, and that singular piece of grey matter was hellbent on taking the sith lord down.

“Chancellor!” Anakin cried, waving his hands about as he jogged towards the older man. “Finally, Master Uberturbolious is waiting.”

“Is he now?” Palpatine drawled, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “And does my ‘master’ prefer Lious or Dicious?”

“Lious.” Anakin answered quickly.

Was Anakin playing with him? Was this some practical joke? Palpatine expected more professionalism from the jedi order when it came to killing the most powerful foe they’d ever faced.

“Excuse me?”

“Lious,” The boy repeated, tugging Palpatine down the great halls like a child dragging his parent to the nearest candy store, “But he doesn’t mind if you call him Dicious. He’s easy.”

“ **Easy?!** ” Sheev repeated, dumbstruck, “What do you mean easy? You can’t be serious; Anakin let’s just end this absurdness now and get it over with.”

The knight stopped and turned to shoot Palpatine a questioning look, “Get what over with?”

“This!” The chancellor exclaimed, waving his hands about in sharp, aggressive motions, “Anakin, I can’t take these games anymore! If you’re going to kill me just do it.”

“… Sorry?”

“Just, get it over with!” Stepping back, Sidious raised his arms into a t-pose, laying himself bare for slaughter, “Come on Anakin. Strike me down. Feel your anger. Blah, blah, blah, I know when I’ve lost.”

“…But Chancellor…” Anakin whispered, gaze downward, “… You know I’m married…”

“What! That’s not-”

But the young man was already yanking him further down the hall, into the depths of his greatest enemy’s lair. What exactly was Palpatine going to find on the other side? Were the jedi going to give him a trial by sword? Would they throw him in a cell and leave him to rot? Perhaps they’ll just slice him up where he stood? Regardless of what they had planned, Palpatine was ready, though it was rather odd that Anakin hadn’t asked his red guards to remain behind.

Maybe the council believed him to be stupid. Perhaps they thought he didn’t know they knew that he was the sith lord, so… this was a ploy to keep him docile.

_We’ll see about that._ The chancellor thought.

“What you say?” Anakin asked absently.

“Nothing.”

“…”

_… Yes… We’ll see… Hehehe._

The trek to wherever-the-fuck they were going was long. So long in fact that Palpatine had forgotten he was walking towards what was most likely his death and spent a considerable portion of the trip willingly and unironically listening to Anakin chant about his unborn child.

“Wizard,” Anakin stated.

“No Anakin,” Palpatine sighed.

“Wizard… Skywalker!”

“No.”

“Padme is coming around to the name I think, but the middle name is what’s really going to sell it.” Anakin continued, a massive grin on his face – Palpatine wondered how Padme lived with it.

“And what might that be?”

“Binks.”

_Force give me strength._ “Wizard Binks Skywalker?!”

“Yeah, it’s a combination of the three bravest people I’ve ever known.”

“Jar Jar Binks is the bravest person you’ve ever known?” Palpatine backtracked, trying to understand the abominable words from Anakin’s lips, “Skywalker?! That’s a little self-righteous is it not?” Backtracking further… “Wizard??”

Anakin blushed, “Oh… Just a combination of everyone else, I guess, you know: Padme’s wizard, my mum’s wizard, Ahsoka’s wizard, your wizard, Obi-wan is _super_ wizard…” He trailed off, expression souring, “And to think I had, for a split second, considered searching out the sith for help…”

_Oh my force I’m still in the game._ Palpatine did his best to hide the giddy child ready to leap out and perform the speech he’d prepared years ago, just for this moment. There was something inside him that just _needed_ to be free right now. He wanted to run through the sunflowers and burn down some villages. He was just suddenly in a really, really good mood.

Not wanting to mess up what could be his one and only chance, Palatine held a tight, thoughtful expression. “Did you really?”

“Yes…” Anakin admitted the long, seemingly endless trek coming to a halt, “I thought about your story, and wondered what it would take to prevent death.”

_Yes._

“I remembered thinking that if I had to kill my friends to save her… I would.”

_Yesssss._

“I just love Padme so much.”

_It’s happening. Oh by the almighty sith lords above it’s really happening!_ Anakin was going to turn right here, in the middle of the jedi temple. What poetry! Palatine couldn’t have anticipated something this brilliant, but it was so genius his subconsciousness must have scribbled it in while he wasn’t paying attention.

_This is going to be the year of the Sheev._

“I couldn’t lose her…”

“Anakin,” Palatine began, voice gentle, wondering if he’d be able to get through this speech without jumping up and down, “You don’t ever have to lose her.” _Palpy is throwing a party tonight!_ “I will-”

“Ah, Chancellor. Anakin. You’ve made it.”

_Fuck! No! SHIT! Mother of kark! Motherfuck-_

“Master Windu,” Anakin greeted warmly, his dark thoughts dissipating from his mind.

Windu seemed equally pleased, and bowed gracefully, “Shall we?”

_FuckFuckFuckFuck! Shit! FUCK!_

“Come this way chancellor.” Mace Windu pushed Palpatine towards the nearest door, “Has Anakin been telling you about his child names? I sense a disturbance within you.”

“Err…” Palatine’s mind was broken, “Well-”

“Hey!” Anakin protested, “My names are great! You’ll see. Wizard Binks Skywalker will be the coolest kid in class.”

“Not with that name they won’t.” Mace retorted, voice calm, a peaceful smile on his face.

“I thought you’d be pleased with the name master,” Anakin argued on, “Seeing as it’s honouring one of your favourite people.”

Mace rolled his eyes, “You are **not** my favourite person Skywalker-”

“What were you doing at Jar Jar’s apartment last week?”

“What?” Palpatine and Mace said in unison.

Anakin placed his hands on his hips, slotting himself between Mace Windu and the door, “Well? Explain yourself.”

“I- We- We were discussing the mission of Bardotta-”

“ _Discussing?_ ” Anakin mimicked lowly; his expression more determined than Palpatine had ever seen it.

“Yes...” The councillor faltered, “I don’t know what you’re implying.” Mace’s face had returned to its usual grouchy expression as he pushed passed Anakin and headed for the door, “I’d recommend dropping this line of thought immediately.”

“The truth will come out Mace. And I just want you to know, that I am in **full** support of your choices.”

Mace Windu ignored him, stepping through the door as it slid open.

“Gungan’s make for great partners!” Anakin yelled out.

Was Palpatine dead yet?

The knight elbowed the chancellor’s arm, looking rather smug, “There is not a doubt in my mind. I know what I saw last week. They’ve gotten real _chummy_.”

“I can’t imagine the therapy you’ll need to recover.”

“Yeah, I know.” Anakin agreed, tugging him through the doorway, “I’m buttering him up so when he confesses, he’ll invite Padme and I to join.”

“What in karks name is wrong with you!” Palpatine cried, a painful image invading his thoughts.

Anakin had the good conscious to look guilty, “Look, I know it’s far-fetched. But I know what they’re doing, and I want in.”

“For fucks sake.” If it turned out that Palpatine wasn’t able to gain Anakin as his apprentice, the sith decides that he would have lost nothing.

“They are definitely playing Jenga without me, and when I prove it, they’ll _have_ to invite me too.”

_Sigh._

“Anyway, time to meet your master.”

_Well, time to meet my death._

Breathing in deeply, Sidious paced further into the darkened room. He could barely see a karking thing but there was something in here waiting for him. He could feel it.

Prepared to slice and dice, Palpatine glanced back at Anakin and Mace, who were standing by the doorway, arms crossed, nodding for him to keep going.

_I am going to kill every karking lifeform in this room._

Slowly, quietly, Sidious sneaked further into the darkness. He was close now. Any second a lightsaber was going to rain down on him and Palpatine was going to-

_Oh kark!_ This lightsaber was caught to his belt. He couldn’t get it out. This was how the greatest sith lord who ever lived was going to die. His legacy, his achievements, all his hard work, for nothing. He could already picture the decades following his demise: the jokes at his expense, the parody films, the talk shows, the schoolbooks. No! He couldn’t die like this! This can’t be happening!

A bright, blinding light ignited above Palpatine and he cried out, knowing this was the end. Knowing that despite all he had worked so hard to achieve… this was it.

It was over.

“…”

“Surprise!” A crowd of cheerful voices cried, cutting into his dark thoughts.

Opening his eyes, Palpatine was horrified to find an army of council members clapping and smiling in front of him. Were those streamers? Is that giant cake? What the kark is going on!

An ecstatic Kit Fisto leaped from the cake, “Woo!”

“What?” Palpatine couldn’t believe his eyes, “What!”

“Chancellor Palpatine,” Yoda greeted, “Glad you came I am. Finding reasons to celebrate, difficult it is these days.”

“What.”

“But a pleasant surprise it is, to discover you were a former student, yes.”

Palpatine would like nothing more than to wipe that insufferable jolly look off the grandmaster’s face.

“I’m so happy!” Anakin clapped excitedly, reaching for Padme, and hugging her tightly, “I can’t wait for Wizard to join us.”

“We’re not naming him Wizard Anakin,” The senator reminded him in such a bored tone, that Palpatine wondered how many times she’d said those words before.

“Well, no, maybe not…” Anakin replied, still looking a little too chuffed for Palpatine’s tastes, “It might be a girl.”

“Anakin...”

“Chancellor,” Mace spoke up, “How are you feeling about reuniting with your master?”

Palpatine still had no fucking idea what was going on but scanned the room for anyone who might resemble a ‘Uberturbolious.’

“Um… Can I have some wine please?”

Mace nodded, floating some wine and a glass towards the older man, only for the sith to slap the glass away and down the bottle like it was his last night on coruscant.

“Um…” Mace shifted from one foot to the other, watching the senator drink himself to oblivion, “You’ve met him I take it?”

Palpatine paused his drink to answer, already feeling the effects of the alcohol, _Might as well die drunk._ “No but I’m getting ready.”

A familiar voice cleared its throat, voicelessly requesting the sith lord’s attention. A sense of dread built up within the palpatine’s stomach, but he reminded himself that this all had to be a bad dream. There was no way this was really happening. There was no way that-

“Called me by that name in a long time, nobody has.”

_Fucking…? What the fuck?_

“Master Yoda’s first name is Uberturbolious.”

_No._

“Strange it is that you knew,” Yoda admitted, looking embarrassed, “Dislike that name I do. Changes it does.”

_No, force please no._

“And remember teaching you I do not but…” Yoda shrugged, “So many younglings I teach. Easy to lose track it is.”

_No!_

“Slightly disappointed I am that pursued politics you did.”

_Noooo!_

“But, comforting it is to know a former jedi is in charge, yes.”

_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what's going on but life is pretty weird so this might as well happen.


End file.
